So, in one week I turn 31............ Making me a ‘thirty something’. This time last year I was in panic; about all the things I felt that I should have done by now and the realisation that my 20’s were heading out of the door behind me. The door closed- that’s for sure, the wrinkle cream is out in full force. They say that age is just a number however in my mind turning 30 was an obstacle, I’d like to pretend that it made no difference, that it passed unnoticed but it didn’t. It was totally a mental struggle for me. In the last years of my twenties I:
· Took some herbal happy pills as I thought I was losing it- I’d say I didn’t lose my marbles but I certainly misplaced them for a while
· Walked out of a job- a job that was costing me marbles
· I started a Business Degree- at the college I dropped out of 10 years ago
· I also remembered how creative I used to be and started to play with a sewing machine I inherited from my Gran.
So, as 31 is around the corner, I’m still not in a place I intend to stay although in a cheesy way I feel like I started the journey to getting somewhere. I am more skint than I have ever been, but this is through the choices I’ve made and I have a special someone who inspires and supports me through this. I am employed part-time, a student part-time, and self employed part-time. A whole lot of part-time, taking up the whole time. I did regress at one point back to a 9-5 office situation; however the job was so dull I started to feel the mundane numbness looming over me and I realised that it was a change or go mad decision I had to make. I decided not to renew my contract to focus on trying to achieve something for myself. This was the second job I consciously left in two years. Doing this made me realise that I’d never really made any actual decisions for myself. All of the jobs I’ve had have always been ‘just for now’ and I’ve just muddled along, you could say I lack ambition- a lecturer once commented that my ‘apathy was a disease hard to shake off’. This comment has remained with me, not because it was such a personal negative but because it’s very true. Apathy as lack of enthusiasm and as emotional emptiness could describe me effectively, I guess it was true and I never did shake it off.
‘They’ say that if you put your mind to anything, you can achieve it; I’m a sceptic about this one because ‘they’ are always the people who succeeded. I’m sure that there are many more who tried their very best and failed?
Although I am a sceptic of this I am giving it a go. I will have finished my degree by this time next year, I don’t doubt that I will see this through- I’ve paid for three years of education myself so I will not quit. I have a small business making handmade bags, and although I don’t think that this is something I will continue for long I feel like it’s good practice to having another business of my own. I don’t want to be the voice on the end of the phone anymore, or the person who arranges someone else’s meetings. It’s just not me.
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